Someone I know has cancer

The threat to health

When we are in good health, the threat of serious illness seems far away, and very few of us think about it before it happens. When it happens to us we are shocked and confused, and often angry or even bitter. If the illness causes tiredness or symptoms, these can be very hard to deal with.

The threat of death Many people are cured of their cancer, but the threat of dying is always there. Even when people are cured, they will still worry that the cancer may come back. This fear may become less over time. However, it is important to allow your friend to talk about it. By listening, you can reduce the impact and the pain of that threat.

Uncertainty All of us like to be able to predict what is going to happen to us and to feel secure about our future. This is a basic human need. We like to have a feeling of certainty. People with cancer often feel that this has been taken away from them. Their future may feel very uncertain and they don’t know what is going to happen to them. This is a very unpleasant and perhaps painful situation to be in. You can help your friend a lot by simply acknowledging the unpleasantness of uncertainty.

Unfamiliarity Tests and treatment for cancer can often involve many different professionals, each with their own skill and expertise. Very often the person with the cancer may feel unskilled and stupid because they don’t know exactly what is going to happen to them. They may not understand what a doctor or nurse is saying because they don’t know the words that are used. It is important to reassure your friend that health care staff will be happy to explain any medical terms or treatments. Our cancer support specialists| can give information to help people understand more about their situation. You can help by reinforcing the fact that as cancer and its treatment is a very specialist area, it can be like going into a completely unknown world and can seem like a mystery at first. This can be frightening but nobody is expected to know everything about cancer and treatments when they are first diagnosed. It is fine to ask as many questions as they need, to understand what is happening to them.

Physical symptoms This section focuses particularly on psychological issues, but physical symptoms are also very important. Your friend may have particular symptoms, at various stages in their treatment, such as pain, sickness or nausea. It is helpful to allow them to talk about these symptoms, if they want to.

Visible signs of treatment or disease Your friend may also want to discuss any physical signs of cancer or its treatment, for example if their hair falls out| due to chemotherapy. You can help your friend feel less self-conscious, perhaps by mentioning their hair and showing that you are willing to talk about it or helping them to choose a wig, scarf or bandana.

Social isolation When people are ill they may feel cut off from the rest of society and their usual friends. This can be because people feel awkward and don’t visit them or contact them, because they worry that they don’t know what to say. You can help your friend feel cared for and supported by contacting them, even if it's just writing a card or letter. Phoning them or visiting them and encouraging mutual friends to do the same, is a good way of helping to make sure that they do not feel cut off or isolated.

The tips above are only a partial list, but can give you a glimpse of what may be going through your friend's mind. All of these fears and concerns are normal and natural – and it can greatly help to have someone to talk to about them. That is why you can be so important to your friend.